


Leave Your Lover

by ThatFilmGraduate



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Confessions, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, First War with Voldemort, Friends With Benefits, Gay Sirius Black, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Infidelity, Late Night Conversations, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:41:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22215730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatFilmGraduate/pseuds/ThatFilmGraduate
Summary: Sirius Black observes London and thinks about his non-relationship with Remus Lupin. He decides that he can’t keep lying and sneaking around. He can’t keep hiding his feelings. He can't keep hurting others and himself. In the end, he issues an ultimatum and gets an answer he least expected.Remus/Sirius. Mentioned Remus/Emmeline and Sirius/Original Male Character.*Mentions of Infidelity.*
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Emmeline Vance, Sirius Black/Original Male Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	Leave Your Lover

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these HP characters or the song mentioned in the notes.
> 
> Inspired by Leave Your Lover by Echos.
> 
> Written: January, 2017  
> Rewritten: January, 2020

London was a truly remarkable city, Sirius Black mused as he inhaled from his cigarette and observed the buzzing Metropolis below.

Truth be known, he wasn't so fond of the city during the daylight hours. He had lived there for most of his life and it had always seemed so... busy; so claustrophobic. Daytime London was suffocating and unfriendly and hostile. Night-time London, however, was a different story. When the sun went down, the city seemed to come alive. It became an exhibition of life and new ventures. You could be anyone you wanted to be, do anything you wanted to do, and no one could say anything about it. It was loud and chaotic and distracting and wonderful.

Sirius exhaled the smoke slowly and closed his eyes, letting the noise of the bustling streets below wash over him.

London never slept. There was always something happening. The city was loud and obnoxious, but it was different at night. It was urgent and full of life, and it made him feel... weird. He felt good and relaxed and almost hopeful, for the first time in a long time, and he wondered how he could feel so safe and so at home whilst standing on the balcony of a posh hotel that he had never visited before, overlooking a city that he had lived in his entire life but had barely seen. He felt like he was on a rollercoaster of contradictions: up was really down, right was actually left, and deliriously happy was in fact utterly miserable.

Sirius sighed and opened his eyes.

They were complex, his feelings, and he wished that he could be someone else, just for a day or two, just so he could see how it felt to be normal and to have no problems at all. But he couldn't do that because he was Sirius Black and he was not normal, nor would he ever be normal. And he had accepted that long before the Sorting Hat placed him in Gryffindor House.

Sirius took a lungful of smoke and exhaled again, dropping his head to look at the civilians below.

He watched as the inhabitants of the city scurried from pub to pub, bar to bar, club to club, all ignorant to the dangers that lurked in the shadows, all blissfully unaware of the War that was going on around them, all oblivious to the death and destruction that he had to deal with on a daily basis.

"Padfoot?"

Sirius paused and allowed the soft-spoken word to wash over him, making him feel a calm like he had never felt before. He then turned to face the speaker and found Remus Lupin, his best mate of over ten years and his something-else of a little over seven months, standing in the open doorway.

He felt his heart thump viciously against his ribcage and he allowed himself a moment to stare at the other man: hazel-amber eyes bright despite the late hour; hair mussed up, a by-product of their recent amorous activities; dressed in only a pair of boxers and a white t-shirt. His palms began to sweat and he didn't know if it was a reaction to Remus or the hot weather. After all, summertime in London was hot – even the nights were warm. Then Remus smiled and moved to stand beside him, and he felt heart stop for a beat before it picked up double time and he knew that it was not just the heat.

Sirius offered a weak smile in response and returned his gaze to the colourful cityscape, taking a draw from his fag. He released his breath, watching as swirls of grey smoke dissipated into the night air. He didn't offer his cigarette to Remus, knowing that he didn't smoke. No, the other man just enjoyed watching him smoke. Sirius didn't understand it, but he didn't question it because, truth be told, he liked it when Remus paid attention to him. Sometimes, when Remus looked at him, it was like he was the only thing that existed. It was a good feeling.

"So... two o'clock in the morning and you're standing on the balcony instead of lying in bed with me," Remus noted aloud. "Any particular reason?"

Sirius shook his head and replied, "Not really."

Remus just hummed in response and silence fell over them as they both stared out at the Capital.

Sirius took another drag and turned his head to covertly study the other wizard. London was remarkable, a sight to behold, but Remus Lupin was something else altogether. As the werewolf stood there, dressed inoffensively with night-time London as a backdrop, Sirius felt his lungs constrict and his stomach flutter. In that moment, there was nothing as perfect as Remus.

Sirius leaned against the railing and stared at Remus's profile, taking in the details of his subtle beauty.

Remus was gorgeous, even if he didn't see it himself: tall with broad shoulders, unusual hazel-amber eyes, perpetually windswept hair and cupid's bow lips. But he was more than his looks. He was also strong and kind and caring and forgiving and sarcastic and hilarious and thoughtful and intelligent and... just brilliant. He was a paradox: handsome yet rugged, simple yet complex, dangerous yet safe. He was everything that Sirius wanted and everything he couldn't have.

Sirius tore his gaze away from his best mate and stared at the city-dwellers below, his heart clenching painfully in his chest.

Sometimes loving Remus was excruciating, but sometimes it was amazing. Sometimes it felt like he was breaking his own heart, but he could not control himself or his actions. He told himself that he was fine with their arrangement, that he was okay with the constant heartbreak because it was worth it for the few hours that he got to be alone with Remus, but he wasn't entirely convinced. Sometimes he wondered how Remus felt about it all; about him and their situation. He wondered if Remus treasured their limited time alone together as much as he did; if Remus thought it was worth all of the lies and the subterfuge.

Truth be told, Sirius didn't know if he could do it anymore. He didn't know if he could keep sneaking around with Remus and lying to everyone they knew. He didn't know if he could keep hiding how he felt. He didn't know if he could keep hurting those around him. He didn't know if he could keep hurting himself. He didn't know anything, and he hated it. What he did know was that he didn't want to do it anymore.

Sirius frowned and took a second to deliberate.

After a long moment, he decided that he was done. He was done with lying to his friends. He was done pretending that he didn't love the werewolf with every ounce of his being. He couldn't keep it a secret anymore. He couldn't carry on like he and Remus were friends and nothing more. It was unbearable, the pain of loving Remus and not being able to have him completely. He couldn't keep up the charade any longer. Something needed to be done. He needed to know how Remus felt. He needed to know if he was a priority to the other man because Remus always came first for him.

Sirius turned to stare at the werewolf, leaning heavily against the railing and committing the details of Remus Lupin to his memory because he knew it may be the last time he could. His chest felt tight and uncomfortable with the knowledge of what he was about to do but he knew that it was necessary. He couldn't keep deceiving and faking. It wasn't in his nature. He was going to burn it all down, but hopefully build it up better. With one last deep breath, he finally spoke:

"Remus, if I asked you to do it, would you?"

Remus frowned, adorably confused, and replied, "Would I do what?"

Sirius paused, because he knew what he was about to do. He knew he was about to ruin this moment by bringing feelings into the mix. But he needed to know how important he was to Remus. He needed to know that Remus felt something more than friendship for him. So he asked, "Would you leave her?"

'Her' referring to Emmeline Vance, beautiful and intelligent girlfriend of Remus Lupin since their sixth year in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Everyone liked Emmeline but Sirius loathed her. In fact, he had hated her even before he and Remus started their... thing. But then again, he had been in love with Remus for a very long time.

Remus stared for a moment before he opened his mouth to answer. He then closed his mouth and turned away to face the city once again. "That..." He hesitated, looking like he was holding back, before he said, "That is a difficult question to answer, Pads."

"I would do it," Sirius stated. "If you asked me to, I would leave him and never look back."

'Him' referring to Ankou Carlson, the most recent in a long line of men who Sirius dated in an attempt to forget that he was in love with his best mate.

Remus frowned and quietly asked, "You would?"

"Yes," Sirius replied steadily. "I wouldn't even hesitate."

The furrow in Remus's brow deepened and Sirius knew the next question before Remus even said it: "Why?"

"Why?" Sirius repeated, taking one last inhale of his cigarette and letting the smoke stream out of his mouth. "Really, Remus? You're really going to ask me why?"

Remus said nothing. He just frowned at London, shoulders tense and hair fluttering in the breeze.

Sirius sighed and snuffed out his fag, letting the bud drop onto the streets below. He was anxious and his heartrate was drowning out the hubbub of the city, but he knew that he had to say something now or he'd never find the courage again. So he confessed, "Remus, I'm in love with you."

Remus turned and stared at him, assessing him, analysing him. After a long minute, he asked, "Why on earth would you love me?"

Sirius was not surprised by the question. After all, Remus could be a self-deprecating bastard at the best of times, what with his monthly issues and all. But he knew he had to answer, or the other man would never believe him. So he shrugged in response and answered, "Perhaps because you understand me."

Remus frowned and opened his mouth to say something but Sirius cut in:

"You're like me; broken and insecure and sad and lonely, and you understand," he explained. "I don't know why I love you, Remus. I just do. And it's all your fault."

"My fault?" Remus snorted, a little bit of amusement in his tone.

"Yes," Sirius replied. "Your fault. You made me fall in love with you, with your biting sarcasm and your lovely hair and your perfect everything. You are not just broken, Remus, you are also strong and funny and when we're together, everything is lighter and I feel important. You make me feel special and..."

He paused, wondering whether he should continue or not. But then he figured that he had already lit the match and thrown fuel onto their friendship, so why not finish the job and let the flames consume them? He had already confessed the worst part, so why not ruin any chance of them returning to what they were before?

"You understand me more than anyone I have ever met," he stated, his emotions making him feel weird; like he could break down and cry at any moment. "As daft as it is, your broken fixes my broken. Ankou, the others... they don't understand. But you do."

Remus stepped closer and reached out, as if to comfort Sirius, but he stopped short and clenched his fists at his side. "I don't understand," he said. "Why are you with Ankou if he doesn't make you happy?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know," he replied. "Because I wanted to pass the time? Because I'm a selfish prick and I wanted to feel loved? Because I couldn't have you and I didn't want to be lonely? Take your pick. Ankou loves me and it feels nice, but I don't love him and I don't think I ever could."

Remus worried his lip and asked, "Why are you telling me this?"

Sirius took a second, one final moment to observe his best mate, before he replied, "Because I'm done, Remus. I don't want half of you anymore. I don't want to lie to my friends, and I don't want to pretend that I don't love you anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore."

He paused and prepared for the final blow; the moment where he watched their relationship and quite possibly their friendship go up in flames.

"I love you, Remus," he stated. "I love you and I want to be with you. Not like this, not in secret in a bloody hotel room. I want you – all of you. I want us to give this a proper go and I know that I'm asking a lot but I can't help what I want... I need you, Remus, and I want you to leave her."

"Sirius..."

"Think about it," Sirius interjected, taking Remus's hand in his own and smoothing his thumb over the back of it. "Just... Just take a second and think about it. Think about what could happen if you say yes. Think about a future with us two together. We could be so good, Re. I know we could." He paused. "But if you say no, then okay. You'll stay with her and I'll give it a real try with him, and we'll go back to how things were before. But, Remus, if you say yes, then know that I am yours. Completely. But I will want you to be mine and only mine."

"What are you asking me, Sirius?" Remus asked, though it was clear he knew damn well what Sirius was asking.

"I'm asking you to leave her," Sirius answered, grey eyes latched onto hazel-amber. "Leave Emmeline and be with me. I don't want to share you anymore, Remus. I will accept whatever decision you make but please think about it."

Remus didn't say anything for a long moment. He just stared, as if he was weighing his options, as if he was wondering whether to take Sirius seriously, as if he was really thinking about it. Then he asked, "Are you ending things?"

"Yes," Sirius replied with conviction, because he was in too much pain to not be serious. "Look, Moony, you are my best friend, but I can't do it anymore. I can't sit there and watch you with Emmeline and not think about how much happier you are with me. I hate watching you with her because it reminds me that she is allowed to kiss you and hold your hand, but I am relegated to the shadows. I hate that we meet up and fuck, and then we go back to acting like we're just friends and nothing more; like this means nothing, when it means everything to me. So, yes, this is me ending things. I am done pretending. I want real, and I want it with you."

Sirius tore his gaze away from the hazel-amber eyes across from him, feeling his own eyes begin to sting as he tried to reign in his emotions. It would do him no good for Remus to see him breakdown and cry or lash out and throw things. Not that it would make a difference to Remus's answer. After all, Remus had seen him lose control plenty of times before.

That said, Sirius was not expecting Remus to say yes. Remus had been in a relationship with Emmeline since sixth year and he loved her. He was happy and, for once in his life, stable. He had a good job and a nice girlfriend. His parents and friends accepted him. Sirius was just a bit of extracurricular activity that was woven into Remus's life because they had been friends for a decade.

Sirius itched for another cigarette, but the pack was in the hotel room and he didn't know if he could handle looking at the messy bedsheets and remembering their previous activities. Instead he dropped Remus's hand and turned to stare at London, watching as life went on around him.

Remus was silent for a long while and Sirius half-expected the other man to just leave without a word, to answer his question by not answering his question. Then they would be over, and Sirius would be fine with it because, well, he was the one who had given the ultimatum and he was the one who had decided to end things. Sirius kept his eyes on the street below, watching as a couple of drunken idiots shouted mindless slurs at one another. It was soothing, in a way; a distraction from the silence.

"Do you mean it?" Remus finally asked, his voice quiet. "You would really leave him for me? You really want to be with a Half-Blood werewolf? You would really give up your chance at stability with him for the probability of chaos with me?"

Sirius almost laughed, because how could Remus ask such a stupid question? He would choose Remus over anyone and anything. But he didn't laugh because even he knew that it wasn't the right time. Instead, he straightened up, took both of Remus's hands in his own, and pulled the other man closer to himself.

"Of course I would," he said. "I would do anything for you. I have never wanted anything more than I want this with you because you make me feel important. Anyways, stability is boring. I mean, have you met me? My name may as well be Sirius Impulsive Black."

Remus chuckled and nodded in acquiesce.

"Besides, you are not chaos, Remus," Sirius said. "You are exactly what I need. And I know I can rely on you because you have never let me down in our ten years of knowing each other."

Remus watched him for a second, his body still but Sirius could see his mind working. He could almost see the cogs turning as the werewolf went through every possibility and outcome.

"Remus," he said, pulling up his last ounce of courage to finally give the ultimatum: "Will you be mine? Will you leave your lover for me?"

Remus didn't answer verbally. Instead he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Sirius's, the kiss chaste but heartfelt. Sirius felt his heart twinge at the tenderness of it and he wondered whether it was their first kiss as a couple or their last as lovers. Deciding that he wanted to enjoy it, whatever it was, he gave himself over to the lip-lock and pushed back eagerly, his hands twisting in the back of Remus's white shirt.

Remus's hands cupped his jaw gently, holding him like he was precious, and he decided that he needed to convey how he felt through actions, unsure if his words were enough to make Remus consider him. He pulled the other wizard closer and parted his lips, slipping his tongue into Remus's mouth and tasting whisky and the sticky toffee pudding from their earlier dinner. They snogged for a while before Remus pulled back and stared at him.

Looking at the werewolf, Sirius wondered if he would ever feel as happy or as complete as he did at that moment. Then Remus planted another chaste kiss on his lips and said, "Okay. I'll do it. I'll be yours if you'll be mine."

Sirius felt his chest break: his heart hammered against his ribcage and the air left his lungs. He grinned, inexplicably happy, and replied, "I've always been yours."

Sirius then dragged Remus in for another kiss, grinning like an idiot as he did so because his heart was mending and Remus was agreeing to be his and his alone and, for the first time in months, things felt like they were going to be fine.


End file.
